I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
