Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
