he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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