I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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