so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
