Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
