i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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