so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
