Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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