How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
