Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
