I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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