I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
