pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
