Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Panties = found
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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