end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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