I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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