My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
this is an emotional support booty call
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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