he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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