We're like a lot better than the average bears
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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