what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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