Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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