Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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