If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
