I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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