The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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