The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
