My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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