If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
