yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
