I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
