everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
