She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
