The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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