I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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