Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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