i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
