This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
