I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
