I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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