She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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