Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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