do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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