omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
