i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
