Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
