So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
