Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
