make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
