Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
